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What we don’t say about race can confuse kids.
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Today I sat in an office at a computer chomping away at a grueling project. I was almost oblivious about what was going on around me until a couple of guys seemed to come out of thin air talking pretty loudly. I didn’t pay much attention to the conversation until the one guy walks over and says “hey did you hear about that African American guy, Ben Carson throwing his hat in the ring for the presidency?” I looked at him in what must have appeared as a strange way and he followed up with “yeah he recently offended black people in a speech about something and he was that retired doctor that spoke down her somewhere recently, I think.”
I had to take a moment to put my words together properly because I didn’t want to appear as insensitive as he was. What this guy didn’t realize is that my look of curiosity was not at “who” Mr. Carson was but instead at my befuddlement as to why he had felt he needed to define this person as an African American who insulted his own people FIRST instead of the well-known Dr. Benjamin Carson who was the first neurosurgeon to separate twins conjoined at the head. It seemed that since this person was not on this guy’s radar as a prominent figure he certainly couldn’t be on mine right? It was as if the only way I would get that “oh yeah I’ve heard of him” moment was when he was identified as a person of color like me because….surely I must know all of them right? Identifying him as the great physician that I AND my children knew of because of his work certainly wouldn’t have rang any bells I guess, lol.
This particular incident brought to mind a television special I saw some time back about how children interact with one another based on race. From what I’ve seen, children, as we know, come out thinking the world is all peaches and cream until society teaches them otherwise. There have been so many television specials on this topic of racism and bigotry being a learned behavior that it’s not funny, yet the conversation of racism and its impact continues to be explored over and over again. The term racism is defined by Merriam-Webster is 1.) a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.” Was this incident in face a racism type incident? Was it implied that because he was African American he was less noticeable than someone who wasn’t African American? Well to give you the back story on this person who said this to me, he’d spoken of plenty of other candidates in the past but never mentioned their ethnicity. So the question becomes, why is it when a African American person is mentioned in some capacity they must be referred to as that first. Case in point when someone is describing a co-worker named Sally who is Caucasian. Is it standard practice to describe her as the “Caucasian woman with the black hair or instead the woman who has black hair and is about 5’2” with a desk near the water cooler?” This same description of Janet who is of color may go something like “Janet, the Latino lady on the 4th floor.”
When we have conversations like these around children, what message does it send to them? Doesn’t it automatically tell them that they are the norm if they are Caucasian but anyone else must be pointed out? Some may say this is going overboard but imagine this behavior over a 10-20 year period. What do you think the outcome is? I am not speaking about hate crimes but instead fueling a belief system that you must be defined by the color of your skin instead of the content of your character. Another example of messages we send to kids most often unintentionally is that we aren’t compatible with other cultures/races. In this same television special kids said they didn’t think their parents would allow children of opposite skin color to their homes. The parents were appalled that their kids would think this. The explanation was simply they’d never seen their parents interact with other races and felt somehow it was because they didn’t like them. This was true for both children of color and those that weren’t.
The message I’m trying to convey is that as well-meaning as we may think we are, it is unhealthy to walk around oblivious to the impact of what we do say and what we don’t say. In the long term, the comments I encountered at the office where I was located seemed benign to the person saying them. I’d venture to guess that in his world it just didn’t seem like he said anything wrong. And yes, I know you’re waiting to hear my response. I looked at him and simply asked “why did you feel the need to define him as African American as if that’s the only way I would have known who he was before you noted his accomplishments?” He had no response while the other guy tried to do some damage control and said “well , I guess we need to be happy because there are all kinds diverse things happening now…women running, Latinos running, we have a black president.” All of this was happening while the original person never responded to my question. I wasn’t angry and was purposely non-threatening in my tone, yet he visibly was taken aback by what I’d said and was left speechless. He later shared with someone that I am “too sensitive” about things which I found to be hilarious. The problem in my mind is that he’s not sensitive enough and as parents we must realize our insensitivity can create problems for our children that may last a lifetime.
Photo: Tom Pierce/Flickr
The post The Accidental Racist; Unintentional Messages Sent to Kids appeared first on The Good Men Project.